(my 4th report, not the 4th session ... go to Jeff's Gameblog to find the preceding 30+ sessions)
"Laurantha the Unbeautiful to the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask,
"O! puissant one! We, your lieutenants and servants, have confronted the Elf-King, Elexus Starchild, in his own throne room and come away without victory and badly scathed for our troubles. This is my account:
"I write this missive in great pain, only barely dulled by the strength even of my own mead--for my left hand has been mangled, leaving only a bloody mess without fingers. It throbs without end, and I fear as to my future spell-casting faculties; and Barnabus Sleet, muscle-wizard unparalleled, has returned from the depths with a stump where his right foot once firmly trod the earth; and Kat Eumeleia, a companion on the delve, has not even returned, but was captured by the Elf-King's lion-men during our headlong flight.
"I tell you, the company we gathered was good. Barnabus had with him his manservant Dale, as well as the wolf-demon Astonac; Pitwin Spryneedle was with us, a sapling who has grown as proud in prowess even as Magic Meryl, and he commanding the mushroom-demon Xasu; and Lobat the Laserer was with us, accompanied by trusted gnomes-at-arm Jade and Blondie. For myself, I had heard the Kat Eumeleia, cleric of the Star Goddess was considered a Champion of Vyzor, and so I enlisted her as my henchwoman, much to her ill fortune. Rose Royce, said to be kin to the Elf-King was also intended to accompany us, but alas was unable to join our ill venture ...
"And lastly, the creature Man-Rider was with us. [Man-Rider is weird. ~Ed.] This thing, said once to be a goblin--and now a weird blue thing with tentacles and too many eyes and a door in its breast--proclaimed itself a tracker faultless through its own eldritch faculties, and so we enlisted its aid to seek out the Elf-King in his dungeons below the Azure Tower. For this we required an article once possessed by the Elf-King himself, and Kat Eumeleia, after wooing Laurela--the estranged niece of the Elf-King, freed by the deeds of Kat and others--that is, Kat received from Laurela a dress she had once gotten as a gift from Elexus, which Man-Rider took (and wore himself, a most hideous sight), and declared that he knew where the Elf-King was.
"Therefore, Barnabus took the Man-Rider upon his shoulders (as was only appropriate), and we set out into the depths beneath the Azure Tower, following the directions of the misbegotten Man-Rider. On the first level we dithered for a while, finding orcs and goblins captive in the Elf-King's Agony-Machine cages. Suffice to say that the goblins were freed and the orcs all slain, save one charmed by Sleet.
"Thence we descended through the second level down to the third, and unto the very bronze doors of the Elf-King's throne room, those doors emblazoned with his ancient deeds of wonder. 'Through there,' Man-Rider indicated, and Barnabus Sleet hesitated not a moment before he burst open the great doors. Not a moment even to plan ...
"And there was Elexus, seated formally upon his throne, eyes like black holes, face made up in full Starchild makeup, wearing a robe of lucky charms and a cloak of the still-living-and-grimacing faces of inept servants--and attended by a host of lion-men! Without a thought, Barnabus leapt across the throne room to confront the Elf-King himself with but his fists, leaving the rest of us behind to fend off the lion-men.
"And this we did! Pitwin slew many with a wave of acid; Man-Rider, thrown into the melee by Lobat, incinerated others with his fiery burps; Blondie and Jade threw a tube of hair gel into the midst of the guards and shot it with their lasers, causing the tube to explode; and myself, I sent a line of lightning crackling through their ranks. Many died.
"Meanwhile, Barnabus's own lightning spell, cast through his connecting fist, was merely caught in the hand of the Elf-King, ready to throw back at us. Only good fortune saved us, in that Lobat then turned his laser rifle on the Elf-King and blasted a hole in his right arm, causing the lightning to ricochet around the room (incinerating one of his own guards). Still, the Elf-King lived--
"--and summoned an elemental of earth from the floor of the chamber! And the eight pillars around the room smoked and then transformed into horrid creatures with ebon skin, terrible claws, and red-burning eyes!
"Lobat rolled a keg of black powder at the elemental and shot it, causing the powder to explode and the room to shake, but failing to destroy the creature. Man-Rider sought to inject new strangeness into the melee, first by growing a great shell, and then by summoning a serpent-demon which proceeded to attack and dominate him; and while Barnabus continued to rain fists upon the Elf-King to little avail, I advanced to attack one of the pillar-demons with my sword. It should be noted of Pitwin that he showed conspicuous gallantry in throwing an interdimensional knife at Elexus, which he followed through the planar gap to stand beside the Elf-King himself, and to stab Elexus in the posterior with his knife, literally enacting the thing he had intended merely to spraypaint upon the throne room's walls.
"But this is where the tide turned against us. The pillar-demons struck out, and their attacks against myself and Barnabus Sleet caused grievous bodily harm. And here the Elf-King drew his sword, which I am to understand was forged from a single hair stolen from an angel, and stabbed at Barnabus--and only the sudden collapsing of the chamber's roof and the mutual surprise of everyone involved interrupted his incipient death!
"As the chamber shuddered, weakened by the explosions within, and the Elf-King hesitated, wondered at the shivering walls, we all fled headlong, uncertain of aught but that our doom lay within if we remained there. In the flight, Kat was lost and captured by a new contingent of lion-men coming to reinforce the first bodyguard, and one of the gnome lasses following Lobat was smashed in the hip, ever after to walk with a limp--but otherwise carried to safety out of the deeps.
"So it was that we, your lieutenants and servants, assaulted the Elf-King on his own ground, and were badly repulsed. For myself, I fully intend to return to the dungeon as soon as I am able and recovered of my wounds, thereby to deliver Kat Eumeleia from captivity, and to redeem my honor as the one who enlisted her aid ...
"Your lieutenant in the War Against the Elf-King,
"Laurantha Akala"
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