Play Report from Jeff Rients' Vaults of Vyzor 5

(the expedition to rescue Kat Eumeleia from captivity in the prisons of the Elf-King following the last expedition in which we faced off against the Elf-King himself and were driven back ...)

"Laurantha the Unbeautiful to the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask, and to Companions at the Jarrod Memorial Library,

"O! puissant one, comrades, Kat is free again and my honor restored, for though she was lost following in my employ, she has been delivered from captivity thanks to the efforts of myself and a fine fighting crew. This is my account:

"During our escape from the collapsing throne room of the Elf-King, wherein we had confronted him and learned of just what adamant he is made, Kat Eumeleia was captured by the coming reinforcements of lion-men come to guard the body of their king, and dragged bodily down into the darkness while we fled upward to the light. I myself was in little shape to help, my left hand mangled by a fell creature's claw and myself badly wounded.

"When we arrived on the surface, I found I must needs do three things; firstly, restore my hand and its ability to weave spells; secondly, discover from Laurela, estranged niece of the Elf-King and now guest of the Blue Sorcerer, just where Kat might be imprisoned; and finally, gather a company to descend into the dungeons once more.

"The first deed was done by Pete Loudly, resident wizard of power; using a magical silver dagger long in my possession, he fashioned new fingers for my left hand from its dweomers, fingers dextrous and deadly.

"Secondly, in going to Laurela, I purchased for her a mobile of brass bees for her child, which I heard she had recently delivered into the world. Thanking me for this gift (and worried for Kat no doubt, as Kat was the first to coax her from hiding in the Blue Sorcerer's tower), Laurela informed me that prisoners of import are typically held on the sixth level of the Azure Vaults--not far from where I myself have traversed before. I thanked her for this information and then went forth into the streets to collect a comitatus for adventure.

"These were the four: a human fighting-man called Colonel Kaffshyth; the owlman fighter and demon-slayer Lars Hootman; and my sometime companions, Mario de Parma, fighting-man, and Frigga the Witch. From the boldness of their hearts they agreed to accompany me seeking out Kat, and so we entered the Azure Vaults and quickly descended through the levels.

"Thanks to the number of good maps in our community (some of them my own), we made good time. The arena on the second level was filled with cheering and the sound of combat, but we hurried past on our way ever down. Finally, we arrived on the sixth level, followed Laurela's directions to the prison, and were confronted with a large ooze in the vague shape of a man. He did not see us--rather, Kaffshyth tied an animated talking skull ("Doctor Cranios" he called it) to a poll-axe and stuck it around the corner, which Cranios then reported the presence of the ooze-man.

"Frigga opined an excellent plan here: that I should become invisible, known and wanted as I am by the Elf-King's goons, while the others pretended to be torturers come to collect and torture a prisoner, namely Kat. Here it was that we realized that Mario was destitute and completely lacking equipment--he had followed along gamely into the dungeon, and here he was, essentially naked (I'm not sure just what he intended to do if a fight had developed ...). So Kaffshyth wore Cranios as a disguise, his own face swathed in a cowl, while Frigga played her creepy self, and Lars remained an owl-man, and the lot roped Mario up and led him in, dagger at his back, and the ooze-man took the charade in full swing.

"The Colonel declared that they had come to requisition the most wanted criminal of the lot for torture, and the ooze-man gamely unlocked a cell containing ... some assassin who had been hired by others to try to kill the Elf-King--not Kat. We duly collected him, but the ooze-man would not give us the keys to unlock other doors. When it seemed like things might finally require violence, Kaffshyth finally hit on the point that the ooze-man greatly desired to see what was happening in the arena above--he had money on some Gorgoro the Two-Headed, or some such, and Kaffshyth declared that Gorgoro was no longer two-headed, and the ooze-man pressed the keys into our hands and took off for the upper levels.

"Keys in hand, we quickly located Kat--much the worse for wear, poor creature--and just as quickly as we had descended, we returned to the surface, delivering Kat into safety and the assassin, Thoreg, to the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask.

"So easily was this deed accomplished that we resolved to return into the depths, this time seeking treasure. Therefore, some days later, we convened again and again descended, and behold, we found the ooze-man trapped in the menagerie of Agony-Machines on the first level. He begged to be let go, and Kaffshyth took pity on him, promising to free him if he would tell us where treasure might be.

"This the ooze-man readily agreed to, and told us to seek the crypt of the Elf-King's son on the third level, the sarcophagus of which contained not the body, but great valuables. Following this advice, we descended to the third level; and continuing east past the throne room, we found a south-branching corridor that opened into a great temple with a statue of the Elf-King, entirely of adamantium, backed by a tapestry depicting his ancient (and exaggerated) deeds. The tapestry we took down to sell, and lo! there was a door behind it. And through that door we discovered through the northeast door a crypt containing a sarcophagus for the Elf-King's son.

"I looked carefully and discovered a brown residue around the seam as if something had leaked out partially from inside; fearing to open the sarcophagus directly, Lars, Mario, and myself looped a rope around an extruding part of the effigy and hauled the thing open from the doorway--and indeed! a brown gas poured forth and filled the room while we waited in safety in the corridor. Finally, the gas settled, and we could enter and look into the sarcophagus, and there we discovered a suit of Elfin plate, a sword, and glinting jewelry worth many thousands of gold. All this was quickly stowed in sacks, and despite my protestations to look in the other door, my companions prevailed that we must leave immediately.

"Returning out to the temple, we interrupted an active service with strange communicants before the altar--a dozen floating spheres, shaggy with fur, central eyeballs surrounded by three tentacles. Before they could react, I cast a lightning bolt forth and incinerated eleven of the twelve, so that only the priest-thing remained, festooned in a ridiculous miter. This final shaggy thing was surrounded by the party and stabbed to death by the weapons of Lars, Mario, Kaffshyth, and Frigga; and Frigga, witch that she is, insisted on taking the corpse out of the dungeon to make some kind of fetish or spirit-trap.

"Back on the first floor, the Colonel was much aggrieved to discover that none of us had any means to free the ooze-man from his plight, and chastised me for attempting to blow past him without real acknowledgment. But really, I cannot understand the empathy of these human creatures--why care suddenly for a thing that one had just as easily cut down in the depths of the dungeon, a thing that was gleeful at the prospect of torturing others, just because that thing is now trapped? Bah! What a fool thing to have an empathetic soul.

"From here, we again made our way out of the Vaults without scathe, and much the richer for our haul. My account has grown overlong; no doubt the tales will be told drunkenly in the Drooling Thoule and around the town.

"Your lieutenant in the War Against the Elf-King,
"Laurantha Akala"

Play Report from Jeff Rients' Vaults of Vyzor 4

(my 4th report, not the 4th session ... go to Jeff's Gameblog to find the preceding 30+ sessions)

"Laurantha the Unbeautiful to the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask,

"O! puissant one! We, your lieutenants and servants, have confronted the Elf-King, Elexus Starchild, in his own throne room and come away without victory and badly scathed for our troubles. This is my account:

"I write this missive in great pain, only barely dulled by the strength even of my own mead--for my left hand has been mangled, leaving only a bloody mess without fingers. It throbs without end, and I fear as to my future spell-casting faculties; and Barnabus Sleet, muscle-wizard unparalleled, has returned from the depths with a stump where his right foot once firmly trod the earth; and Kat Eumeleia, a companion on the delve, has not even returned, but was captured by the Elf-King's lion-men during our headlong flight.

"I tell you, the company we gathered was good. Barnabus had with him his manservant Dale, as well as the wolf-demon Astonac; Pitwin Spryneedle was with us, a sapling who has grown as proud in prowess even as Magic Meryl, and he commanding the mushroom-demon Xasu; and Lobat the Laserer was with us, accompanied by trusted gnomes-at-arm Jade and Blondie. For myself, I had heard the Kat Eumeleia, cleric of the Star Goddess was considered a Champion of Vyzor, and so I enlisted her as my henchwoman, much to her ill fortune. Rose Royce, said to be kin to the Elf-King was also intended to accompany us, but alas was unable to join our ill venture ...

"And lastly, the creature Man-Rider was with us. [Man-Rider is weird. ~Ed.] This thing, said once to be a goblin--and now a weird blue thing with tentacles and too many eyes and a door in its breast--proclaimed itself a tracker faultless through its own eldritch faculties, and so we enlisted its aid to seek out the Elf-King in his dungeons below the Azure Tower. For this we required an article once possessed by the Elf-King himself, and Kat Eumeleia, after wooing Laurela--the estranged niece of the Elf-King, freed by the deeds of Kat and others--that is, Kat received from Laurela a dress she had once gotten as a gift from Elexus, which Man-Rider took (and wore himself, a most hideous sight), and declared that he knew where the Elf-King was.

"Therefore, Barnabus took the Man-Rider upon his shoulders (as was only appropriate), and we set out into the depths beneath the Azure Tower, following the directions of the misbegotten Man-Rider. On the first level we dithered for a while, finding orcs and goblins captive in the Elf-King's Agony-Machine cages. Suffice to say that the goblins were freed and the orcs all slain, save one charmed by Sleet.

"Thence we descended through the second level down to the third, and unto the very bronze doors of the Elf-King's throne room, those doors emblazoned with his ancient deeds of wonder. 'Through there,' Man-Rider indicated, and Barnabus Sleet hesitated not a moment before he burst open the great doors. Not a moment even to plan ...

"And there was Elexus, seated formally upon his throne, eyes like black holes, face made up in full Starchild makeup, wearing a robe of lucky charms and a cloak of the still-living-and-grimacing faces of inept servants--and attended by a host of lion-men! Without a thought, Barnabus leapt across the throne room to confront the Elf-King himself with but his fists, leaving the rest of us behind to fend off the lion-men.

"And this we did! Pitwin slew many with a wave of acid; Man-Rider, thrown into the melee by Lobat, incinerated others with his fiery burps; Blondie and Jade threw a tube of hair gel into the midst of the guards and shot it with their lasers, causing the tube to explode; and myself, I sent a line of lightning crackling through their ranks. Many died.

"Meanwhile, Barnabus's own lightning spell, cast through his connecting fist, was merely caught in the hand of the Elf-King, ready to throw back at us. Only good fortune saved us, in that Lobat then turned his laser rifle on the Elf-King and blasted a hole in his right arm, causing the lightning to ricochet around the room (incinerating one of his own guards). Still, the Elf-King lived--

"--and summoned an elemental of earth from the floor of the chamber! And the eight pillars around the room smoked and then transformed into horrid creatures with ebon skin, terrible claws, and red-burning eyes!

"Lobat rolled a keg of black powder at the elemental and shot it, causing the powder to explode and the room to shake, but failing to destroy the creature. Man-Rider sought to inject new strangeness into the melee, first by growing a great shell, and then by summoning a serpent-demon which proceeded to attack and dominate him; and while Barnabus continued to rain fists upon the Elf-King to little avail, I advanced to attack one of the pillar-demons with my sword. It should be noted of Pitwin that he showed conspicuous gallantry in throwing an interdimensional knife at Elexus, which he followed through the planar gap to stand beside the Elf-King himself, and to stab Elexus in the posterior with his knife, literally enacting the thing he had intended merely to spraypaint upon the throne room's walls.

"But this is where the tide turned against us. The pillar-demons struck out, and their attacks against myself and Barnabus Sleet caused grievous bodily harm. And here the Elf-King drew his sword, which I am to understand was forged from a single hair stolen from an angel, and stabbed at Barnabus--and only the sudden collapsing of the chamber's roof and the mutual surprise of everyone involved interrupted his incipient death!

"As the chamber shuddered, weakened by the explosions within, and the Elf-King hesitated, wondered at the shivering walls, we all fled headlong, uncertain of aught but that our doom lay within if we remained there. In the flight, Kat was lost and captured by a new contingent of lion-men coming to reinforce the first bodyguard, and one of the gnome lasses following Lobat was smashed in the hip, ever after to walk with a limp--but otherwise carried to safety out of the deeps.

"So it was that we, your lieutenants and servants, assaulted the Elf-King on his own ground, and were badly repulsed. For myself, I fully intend to return to the dungeon as soon as I am able and recovered of my wounds, thereby to deliver Kat Eumeleia from captivity, and to redeem my honor as the one who enlisted her aid ...

"Your lieutenant in the War Against the Elf-King,
"Laurantha Akala"

Play Report from Jeff Rients' Vaults of Vyzor 3

Got another chance to play in Jeff's game in the Vaults of Vyzor on 8 December. I suggested I could play another character than Laurantha if we wanted to avoid the geas to enter the Azure Vaults, which suggestion was endorsed, and so I rolled up a level 1 cleric, Kat Eumeleia, devotee of the Cult of the Beautiful Life ...

------

Down at the (newly rebuilt Drooling Thoul?), Kat Eumeleia, newly arrived cleric following the Star Goddess, was seen carousing raucously with several orc floozies after her first expeditions into the Citrine and Verdant Vaults. Over the course of the night, she composed this pastiche of one of the religious hymns of her cults, singing it as well as she could without the advantage of autotuning magic (this is written to fit generally into the melody of Kesha's song “Rainbow”):

'Descended down into Citrine halls
looking for an orc brothel
and once there
couldn't help but stare
Walls covered with red velvet drapes
orc ladies with the leering faces
we had no coin
but I brought some wine

Trading swigs with the orcs, we
made some friends as we partied
with our charms,
won over even the madame!
Learned that not all there were happy
working girls, they were trapped, yeah,
so we brought them all
out of that brothel

We had a party
down in the dungeon, yeah!
With hard-A
drinking wine and dancin'
So seize your freedom now, girls
And come and dance away from here
tonight

Yes, Mario had some fun
with a couple of orcish doms
while they played
we had it made
And Emma found an Elf-lass
hiding back in the darkness
we sang, “Come on, girl,
come out to the world ...”

Saved them all from the darkness,
from a world cold and heartless
but back in the brothel
with dominatrixes from Hell
When Mario had ended,
they found the brothel abandoned
they sprouted horns!
demonic in form!

We had a party
down in the dungeon, yeah!
With hard-A
drinking wine and dancin'
So seize your freedom now, girls
And come and dance away from here
tonight

Emma sprang on one orcubus,
wrestling hard that seductress,
got an evil kiss
that left her listless
Yeah, our swords had no power
to defy them in that hour
so we fled
rather than end up dead!

We had a party
down in the dungeon, yeah!
With hard-A
drinking wine and dancin'
So seize your freedom now, girls
And come and dance away from here
tonight ...'

Asked by other patrons concerning further recollections of her expeditions into the vaults accompanying one Emma Brighteyes of the Jarrod Memorial Library and fighting-man Mario de Parma, she had more prosaic things to say:

'Yeah, we had a couple of gnome lasses with us--Babis was one, I don't remember the other's name--hired by Mario on his promise that they could get some orc-stabbing revenge down there. They weren't really sure what to make of the brothel, but don't worry; when Mario went off with those girls that ended up being orcubi, I took the gnomes under my wing and gave them some wine to take the edge off. But when those demon-babes revealed themselves, the poor gnomes almost got left behind in our haste to retreat. Only Emma's cool under duress allowed her to duck in and drag the two out under the demons' claws …

'Well, after we got out of the Citrine Vaults--and only barely ahead of the demons!--there was no way in Hell we were going back for the treasure we left behind. So we decided to try the Verdant Vaults--apparently some local Elf-chick here has some kind of a thing for bees, and there were supposed to be bees down in the Verdant Vaults ...

'And sure enough, we found them, and Emma used that Elf-chick's spell to charm the bees. We then used them to help us battle a few orcs fully intent on impaling a few helpless gnomes in some huge chamber that Emma said used to be a gnome-wrestling arena. The gnome lasses got their vengeance here--you can't imagine the glee with which they chopped off all six pairs of hands of the orcs we killed …'

Beyond this point, Kat, continuing to drink her wine, became semi-incomprehensible. She drunkenly proselytized the cult of the Star Goddess to the local women, going on about something called “the Beautiful Life” without explaining much … and then was later seen partying hard with Hilda, wife of Heinrik Gem-Eyes, alternately downing shots and goblets of wine, and then engaging in deep, seductive, philosophical conversations …

------

Kat Eumeleia was rolled up using Jeff's "Insano-Libs Cleric Advancement" rules ... she almost advanced to level 2 during this last session, but alas, not quite. Naturally, with her being a cleric follower of Ke$ha, I will have more to say about the Cult of the Beautiful Life as time goes by ...

Play Report from Jeff Rients' Vaults of Vyzor 2

"Laurantha the Unbeautiful to the Sorcerer of the Blue Mask, and to my comrades at the Jarrod Memorial Library:

O! puissant one! My companions and I have delved deeper into the Azure Vaults than any have yet dared to go, and yet our expedition there was cut short by the appearance of a fearsome enemy beyond our strength. This is my account:

Compelled by the geas that you have lain about my shoulders (along with the estimable Barnabus Sleet and Rose Royce) to seek and slay the Elf-King Elexus within the Azure Vaults, I sought about for bold companions for a sortie deep into his very lair. Three were found: the dwarf warrior Brutal Pete, the ever weirder Sapphean Gratchit, and the promising fighting-man Mario de Parma. To swell our ranks for this foray, I also retained the pathetic creature known as Ralph, whom I equipped with new plate armor, while Brutal Pete hired the services of Baguette, a young halfling woman.

Thus assembled, we entered the Azure Vaults. Now, on my last sortie into these vaults, I and my then-companions almost fully explored the second level. But just before setting out this time, we were apprised by one Magic Meryl, my sometime adventuring-companion, that she and another expedition had ascended from the second level through the room where formerly had been witnessed a dragon chained to the wall (and from which my own expedition had thus reasonably fled).

My first intent, therefore, was to corroborate on my own maps this means of ingress and egress to the second level, and so rather than descending immediately through to the library on the second level, I guided my companions north along a different route. North from the entry-stair, we observed a kind of terrarium containing an ooze and a black pudding, which we did not overtly disturb; then, coming around a corner to the north of that, we found ourselves suddenly trapped as a cage fell around us, and the bars of an adjacent cage opened into the one we found ourselves within.

Now, this other larger cage was not empty--indeed, it contained three inhabitants, two gaunt and pallid humanoids which I surmised to be ghouls, and a scaly humanoid creature with wings, claws, and a horn upon its head, which thing I have never before observed. These attacked us immediately we were trapped with them, but Brutal Pete and I stepped forth, weapons bared, and made a good account of ourselves. While I slew the first ghoul, Pete held off the scaly humonculus. Mario stepped forth into the opening of the slain ghoul, but found himself paralyzed by the second ghoul's bite (this confirmed my suspicion as to their nature); I stepped up to prevent the ghoul from killing paralyzed Mario, and while Pete slew his foe, I decapitated mine.

Sapphean, grown ever weirder in each subsequent appearance, now stepped up and spat into Mario's mouth, which both set the poor man alight, yet also cured him of his paralysis. I confess, I intend never to be affected by any sort of curse in the company of this man, such that I should require his "ministrations".

These creatures slain at our feet, we easily broke open the cage that had trapped us with them, and continued our journey. To the east of this cage, we found a corridor that curved around to the south, sloping down the while, and which did ultimately enter into the very chamber where before I and other companions had seen a dragon chained to the wall (this dragon, of course, is the very one now delivered unto you, o! puissant sorcerer, and so was not present).

From this room, it was known to me that we must travel south into an east-west corridor, and then travel west past a couple cross-corridors, and then find a northern corridor that sloped down to level three. This path we followed, and found ourselves upon the third level of the Azure Vaults, our ears assaulted by a great tumult.

To the right, almost immediately east from the corridor opening onto the level, was a wide alcove to the north with a great double doors on the north wise, currently opened wide. A pair of lion-man guards flanked the door; I was able to peek sneakily around the corner without their noticing me, and did descry through the door some kind of court proceedings within great throne room of the Elf-King. An orc and a morloi, backs to the door, seemed to be involved in some dispute before the throne; and upon the throne itself, Elexus himself, almost one of the fair-folk in stature, and yet possessed of black eyes blacker than the dark between the stars, darker than the wings of Anglamorath the Black Dragon of Night. Even I was shaken, glimpsing these terrible orbs.

Turning away from this tumult as a party, we quickly explored what we could of the third level, and discovered first a great feast hall, well set with service of silver and gold, all prepared for some soon-coming banquet--and yet, all empty of people. While my companions set about quickly stealing what they could of the silver and gold, I myself poured out the wine at the high seat, and replaced it with my own enchanted mead, which can render a man wobbling-drunk with a single goblet. We may hope some brawl of drunkenness may ensue ...

Enriched by loot, we all quickly returned to the second level of the dungeon and deposited our jangling sacks behind the dung heaps in the emptied dragon-room; we then returned below to continue exploring. North of the banquet hall, we found a room with a cold door--Pete warned of possible brown mold, but opening the door, we found a cold meatlocker. The door north of that was heard to have rats behind it--a pantry perhaps? And the kitchen lay further north; turning south of the banquet hall, we discovered a sloping corridor down ... down to level four of the Azure Vaults. Stepping onto this level, we found a south-branching corridor immediately to our right, and rather than stepping further into level four, we decided to be bold and descended ever further, down to the fifth level of the Vault. Here, we found a cross of four corridors; to the east, we listened at a door and heard a tumult of some horde of rats; but when we sought to the west to explore further, we observed three pairs of red-glowing serpentine eyes swiftly approaching from the north.

I cast a web across the corridor in an attempt to block its approach, but the beast tore through like a man tearing aside cobwebs--and as its claws rent the fibers, we saw three draconic heads burst through, one red, one blue, and one white. Confronted by this horror, Mario preferred the better part of valor, and as we all withdrew in good order, Pete and I held the rear, slowed as we were in our plate armor. Here it was that Pete proved his excellence as a comrade, for he was variously prepared for pursuit.

As we went up the slope back to level four, Pete poured greased lard behind us, and we heard well the scrabbling of claws fighting for purchase. But the beast was swift, and presently its foetid breath washed over our backs again. On the slope back up to level three, Pete then poured out a sack of caltrops, which served both to slow the thing, and to enrage it--and it gave forth a terrible shrieking bellow that shook the walls! And alas, it was still coming swiftly after us, panting death, and at the last, Pete poured sovereign glue upon the floor, hoping to catch the creature's belly fast--and it worked! As we came around the corner and ran for the upslope back to level two, the dragon bellowed again behind us, and we heard a tumult from the throne room ... but we went swiftly back to the erstwhile dragon-room, collected our ill-gotten gains, and exited the dungeon.

Thus it is that we companions penetrated deeper into the Azure Vaults than any others yet have; and that is also how the markets around Vyzor have been flooded with the silver and gold service-wares imprinted with the Elf-King's marks.

Your lieutenant in the War Against the Elf-King,
Laurantha Akala"